Incredibly Sober Toddler at VMFA Unaware That This Is Happy Hour

RICHMOND, Va. — Appearing as coherent as he typically is, local 3-year-old Taylor Hinson seemed to be stone cold sober at the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts’ (VMFA) happy hour, sources confirmed Wednesday.

According to witness accounts, the toddler seemed unaware that it was happy hour, as he spent most of his time close to his parents who refrained from serving him glasses of wine. Additional reports indicate that the child was fixated on his mother’s cellphone where he was able to watch “Blippi” videos rather than network with other young Richmond professionals. 

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“Doesn’t that kid know what time it is?” Kyle Bermille, a VMFA happy hour regular, questioned of the adolescent who spent his evening hours with his family sipping apple juice from his sippy cup. “Didn’t his parents bother to throw any vodka or Fireball into that thing? He’s way too sober for this kind of thing. And there’s no way he’s old enough to be a D.D. yet”

“He looks like he’d actually be interested in the art here,” Bermille added.

Another regular, Robert “Chad” Donman, commented that Hinson’s normal behavior seemed unusually suspicious, adding that despite his young age, he still had the ability to speak more coherently than most of the other attendees.

“Maybe he’s, like, security here or something,” Donman theorized. “Like he’s undercover trying to catch underage drinkers or something. Whatever, bro, I’m not doing anything wrong.”

Not much later in the evening, however, a variety of witnesses reported that baby boy Taylor was seen passed out on a bench in front of a bunch of horse paintings, with a mostly empty sippy cup on the floor next to him. 

“It’s barely 9 o’clock,” stated a shocked VMFA employee, “I guess some folks just can’t handle happy hour.”

Soon thereafter, much to the surprise of onlookers and unbeknownst to his parents, the small child stumbled outside through the massive glass doors, and with sippy cup in hand climbed into an Uber, and drove off.