RICHMOND, Va. — Gov. Ralph Northam was observed this week taking a Bolt scooter from the Executive Mansion to Capitol Square to begin his workday. According to sources, the harrowing five-minute walk was lessened to approximately four minutes and 35 seconds by using one of the city’s trendy new scooters.
Northam, a proponent of sound environmental policy, saw no issue in utilizing an electric vehicle for a distance that could be walked by a narcoleptic toddler without incident.
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Northam explained, “I wanted to show the city that we need more slow-moving, manually-operated vehicles clogging our roadways. I want Virginia to be at the forefront of taking trends from decades past and making them a large part of our transit system,” he added while attempting to lobby for Project Broken Ankle, a new program that would replace ankle monitors with the 1990s’ favorite ankle hazard, the Skip It.
Northam’s commute has been labeled “wasteful,” “irresponsible,” and “not even close to his biggest problem.” However, he has remained undeterred and will continue to utilize the Bolt scooter system, despite having an iPhone 2 that has no room for any other apps, but does have a hard drive full of Michael Jackson music that is in no way problematic.
Northam promptly discarded the scooter in the middle of the sidewalk, creating a potential tripping hazard, in what promises to be his biggest scandal of the year.