RICHMOND, Va. — A recent survey of real estate values in the Richmond metropolitan area that concluded property assessments have risen nearly 8%, local millennials appear to be screwed by that same margin.
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According to the survey, contributing factors to the soaring property values include increased migration of Northern Virginia residents to Richmond, a more vibrant job market, and a general proximity to grocery stores that sell cruelty-free orange juice.
“While the booming housing market benefits older Richmond residents who bought their houses in the early 1970s for $12.00 and a six-pack of Schlitz,” William Hoyte, a Henrico real estate analyst, explains, “younger Richmond residents are forced to cope with the rising cost of living in a city that is, unfortunately, increasingly featured on ‘Bon Appétit.’”
According to Hoyte, the rise in housing costs directly correlates to the precise metric of how screwed millennials are. “The millennial demographic is undoubtedly 8% more in the shitter, and it wouldn’t surprise me if that percentage climbed higher over the next year or two. These figures are calculated by what many economists call ‘that weird math with the letters.’ Regardless of how the figures came about, millennials who did not opt to purchase houses when it was a buyer’s market will have to remain content with reading increasingly pandering Buzzfeed articles written by vaguely literate 30-year-olds who can barely afford a new toaster.”
At the time of reporting, additional sources confirmed that every single millennial in the commonwealth collectively cursed the state’s baby boomer population for all eternity.