RICHMOND, Va. — The Jefferson Hotel has served Richmond since 1895, bringing a high level of class and sophistication to the city and those wanting to take their marital infidelity to the next level. However, these past few months, in an attempt to expand the base of their clientele, the Jefferson Hotel has decided that every Friday through Sunday, during Afternoon Tea, the main hall will be utilized as a space for patrons to play giant jenga.
The giant jenga games have been spaced through the lavishly decorated main hall of the hotel, allowing guests and visitors to participate in one of America’s most treasured outdoor bar games. The new giant jenga games also come with a series of beer specials, including $10 buckets of Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.
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Since instituting the new feature, the Jefferson Hotel has experienced a marked change in their visitors. Groups of wealthy businessmen and lonely divorcees have succumbed to new, larger crowds of men in tank tops and incredibly intoxicated sorority girls. Some have deemed this change to not be for the better.
Hotel concierge Frederick Smythe-Higgins has been dissatisfied with the giant jenga games and the crowd they bring in. “We at the Jefferson have been striving for years to treat our guests with the utmost respect, but after a few buckets of Miller High Life, the champagne of beers of course, they become more belligerent than our martini lunch crowd and throw around far more wooden blocks.”
Some have embraced the change, including one hotel patron who very drunkenly insisted he be referred to solely as “Zooboomafoo, Lord of the Towers.”
“I have been coming here for the last few months throwing back some High Life, the champagne of beers, and partying with my buddies, playing a game requiring manual dexterity while sporting a BAC no lower than 0.15,” he said. “I feel like a fancy alcoholic now.”
Many dissatisfied guests have informed management of their litany of complaints: wooden blocks strewn about the main hall, having to dodge jenga blocks thrown in anger, splinters, having to dodge jenga blocks thrown in joy, drunken shouts of “jenga” during weddings, a renewed carpenter ant infestation, and finally, that thing where someone touches at least fifteen blocks before choosing one to remove.
Hotel management has apparently reached a novel solution to this issue. Starting next week, giant jenga games will be converted into regular sized jenga games. The hotel will also start enforcing its “no lewd tank tops” policy. Finally, the $10 Miller High Life buckets will be replaced by $5 buckets of the Miller High Life 7 ounce mini-bottles, the champagne of mini-beers.
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