Life-Size Monument of the Richmond Coliseum Proposed on Site of Current Coliseum

RICHMOND, Va. — After constant speculation regarding the future of the Richmond Coliseum, city officials announced Wednesday plans to replace the Coliseum with a life-size monument of the Richmond Coliseum.

“Since Richmond is a city filled with monuments, we knew right away that this was the best use of the taxpayers’ money,” Rebecca Vance, a spokesperson for the Richmond City Council, stated in a press conference.

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The plan calls for a bronzed monument at the same scale as the original coliseum featuring the familiar crumbling facades, pigeon poop, and pieces of trash that are consistently littered around the grounds.

“We were going to put it on Monument Avenue, but we weren’t sure if a replica of the six-level, multi-million dollar arena would fit in the median,” Vance noted, adding that smaller monuments were also being considered to compliment the massive structure.

“We would love to add monuments around the monument,” Vance said. “We’re thinking of putting a few running backs from the Raiders and Roughriders, some sad looking circus elephants, and, since the WWE events here are always a hit, we’ve already got approval for a statue of The Rock giving Dwight Jones the People’s Elbow.”

Redevelopment of the aging arena is expected to cost nearly $1 billion dollars. City officials said a planned four percent increase in the meals tax and a GRTC Pulse fare surge will cover the cost of the tribute to the Coliseum. Critics of the plan were dubious of how the city would pay for such a project, calling it a reckless waste of taxpayer dollars.

Vance responded to critics, stating that if the city could not secure the necessary funding they would simply purchase a bunch of bronze spray paint from the nearby Lowe’s to make the Coliseum look like a monument.

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