Since the moment the first English settlers set foot upon Virginia soil, they have been fighting. From John Smith to Chris Brown, Virginians have a long tradition of throwing punches and gouging eyes when anyone dares step in our way. In the spirit of that tradition, here are The Peedmont’s picks for Virginians that we think we could beat up in a no-holds-barred street fight.
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Eric Summers: Don’t let this graduate student’s meek demeanor fool you; this softboy is quite the asshole. Known throughout the UVA Department of Media Studies for turning his troubled romantic relationships into short films, Eric will ask for your opinion on a movie only to immediately launch into a lecture on why it is wrong. Because of this, all you have to do is say “Wes Anderson sucks” three times and Eric will self-destruct. He is the epitome of everything that you’d want to punch in the face, and we look forward to contributing to his demise in the form of a proper fight.
Brandi Shoemaker: Hailing from Williamsburg’s New Town area, this retiree’s glory days as 1991 Teacher of the Year at Berkeley Middle School are long behind her. Remembered by her pupils as “the lady who forced us to watch ‘Gone With the Wind’ all the time,” she now spends most of her time running the Williamsburg chapter of the United Daughters of the Confederacy. Given her age, her bones aren’t as sturdy as they used to be; a quick kick to the knee should take her out.
Bob Johnson: A divorced father of three from Petersburg, Bob Johnson hasn’t had anything going for him since his favorite show, ‘My Name is Earl’, ended. He’s a devoted Redskins fanatic who constantly brags that he could take Dak Prescott in a fight, although everyone knows he couldn’t. We’ll have to plan our showdown around the Redskins schedule, but that shouldn’t be a problem. His weak spot is his beer gut, so we’d start with a few punches there and work our way up to the face. In true Redskins fashion, he’d probably bust his leg while backing up, thus making us victorious.
Bob Johnson Jr.: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, especially when the tree is named Bob Johnson. Despite only being three years old, Bob Jr. is already hated by his classmates and is described by his teacher as “exceptionally idiotic.” So in the spirit of culling the herd, we would love nothing more than to challenge Johnson Jr. to a duel. Honestly, this wouldn’t even be much of a fight, as we’ll just stand back and wait for Bob Jr. to figure out a way to knock himself out—he’s already done it four times before.
Pappy Cocker: A domesticated rooster from a farm in the Northern Neck area, he’s the kind of chicken that crosses the road, but not the fun kind you hear about in a joke. Rather, he’s the type of prick that chooses to cross I-95 at 5 p.m. on a Monday. When he isn’t causing a traffic backup, this roaming rooster mainly passes the time by eating every corn kernel in sight. So, we’d use this to our advantage by leaving a pile of corn for him and sneaking up from behind. From there, we’d hit him with a vertical suplex before putting him in a chokehold that even the most seasoned cockfighting fowl couldn’t escape from.
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