News Peed

NOVA Resident Begins Yearly Ritual of Cursing Tourists

FAIRFAX, Va. — With summer tourism hitting full swing in our nation’s capital, Northern Virginia resident, Bob Henderson, has begun his yearly ritual of cursing the tourists who flood the area for summer vacation.

Henderson explained his disgust toward the influx of sightseers in a recent interview. “Look, this is my city, and I won’t have a bunch of mouth-breathing hayseeds taking up my time by clogging traffic and causing a ruckus on my National Mall.”

“The worst part is the Smithsonian is practically free, which is a huge draw for these bastards who’ve never set foot in a city larger than Newport News,” he continued. “I’m not trying to deal with them standing in my way on the sidewalk in awe of the boring tower sticking out of the ground that we named the Washington Monument.” 

Henderson, an accountant whose office is located in Alexandria, visits the District approximately once every three months. 

“Yeah, I’m a big city guy and D.C. is my town. I love the smell of the Metro and I just love being right in the thick of the most powerful city in the world,” he commented. “Plus, the food scene is just amazing. Move over New York, if you can make it in D.C. you can make it anywhere. But man, I just hate it when tourists take over all the good seats at my favorite obscure dive bars.”

Henderson’s last visit to the district included a trip to the Hard Rock Cafe in Penn Quarter and a swift return home after approximately 45 minutes of looking for a parking space near the Mall.

“These tourists, they come over here and they’re absolutely clueless. They always stand on the wrong side of the Metro escalators and don’t let people pass, they’re always gawking at all the sights, whereas locals like me are like, pfft big deal, I see the White House every day. Go back to Omaha.”

In reality, the last time Henderson actually saw the White House was during a high school trip in 1987. 

“It’s just all of this is so ordinary to people who live in proximity to the halls of power. My daughter plays soccer with Justice Roberts’ daughter and I always get special box seats at Nationals games with the real movers and shakers.”

Henderson’s daughter evidently plays soccer with Maggie Roberts, whose father is actually Hank Roberts, a local attorney who is not on the Supreme Court, nor particularly well-regarded. The last time Henderson went to a Nationals game was approximately five years ago during family fun night at his law firm. He sat in the bleachers and saw Mitch McConnell on the jumbotron for approximately three seconds.

Henderson concluded, “Look, I get it, you want to be where all the magic happens, but hey, some people just can’t make it in D.C.”

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