DETROIT — In a decision fueled by political determination and a blood alcohol concentration level of 0.12, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe was forcibly dragged out of the Democratic primary debate after attempting to rush the stage, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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The former governor made his opinions known as he was physically escorted off the premises by security. “This isn’t fair! What have any of these other loons done to deserve a space up here? What the hell has Beto O’Dork done for the Democrats so far?”
“And how does a guy named Chickenpooper or whatever his name is get to be up there and not me? Come on, I’ve earned this! I’ve been to nearly every brewery in the commonwealth and am the only one who can take that orange bastard down!”
Witnesses later reported that upon being escorted off the premises, an enraged McAuliffe relieved himself on the side of the building and then began throwing garbage and empty beer bottles at the walls before jumping into someone else’s Uber and speeding off.