Dominion Promises That New Coliseum Will Be Powered by Whale Oil

RICHMOND, Va. — In a display of their attempts to utilize alternative energy sources, Dominion Energy announced today that it plans to power the new Richmond Coliseum with whale oil.

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The Coliseum, which is best known for hosting WWE events and the occasional Bruce Springsteen concert, is currently undergoing redevelopment led by Mayor Levar Stoney and NH District Corporation, a non-profit created by Thomas F. Farrell II, the chairman, president, and CEO of Dominion Energy.

This decision comes after years of criticism of Dominion Energy for its reliance on fossil fuels and its less than stellar environmental track record. “We have heard the people of Virginia loud and clear,” Farrell said during a press conference addressing the Coliseum redevelopment plans. “By powering the Richmond Coliseum with whale oil, Dominion is taking further steps to lower the commonwealth’s dependence on petroleum and investing in the future of living fuels.”

Farrell went on to describe the inspiration for this decision. “Originally, we were thinking about powering the new Coliseum via solar panels. But one night my wife was telling me about how her book club was reading ‘In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex,’ and I was like whale oil! How cool is that!”

When confronted by reporters with the fact that it is illegal to kill whales and harvest their oil under the Endangered Species Act, Farrell was unfazed.

“What does illegal really even mean? And there are still at least a few hundred whales left to go around. We’re not talking about wiping out an entire species here.”

When asked to clarify his comments on the future of living fuels and what he meant by his statement, Farrell was reported to have said: “Watch ‘The Matrix’ and you’ll understand.”

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