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Disheveled, Visibly Panicked Freitas Urges State Funding for Time Machine

RICHMOND, Va. — In an impassioned and urgent address to the Virginia House of Delegates’ Science and Technology Committee, Del. Nick Freitas (R-30) implored his fellow members to pass HB 2815: Emergency Funding for Time Machine Research and Development.

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Calling it “a matter of critical importance for the people of the 30th District, one in particular,” a noticeably bedraggled Freitas pleaded in shrill, frantic tones for 40 minutes to encourage the bill’s passage. The proposed legislation—delivered in hand-written, heavily worn legal sheets—would allocate an initial funding allowance of $200,000,000 for the “earnest and committed exploration of time travel and its practical, immediate applications.” 

“This is a defining issue of our time,” a shaking, sweating Freitas said to his 21 fellow members on the committee. “We haven’t a moment to lose! We absolutely need to build a time machine, and we need to do it now! Right now!”

Committee members voiced concern that Freitas’ overture could be due to a ruling handed down on Thursday by the State Board of Elections, which deemed that his failure to file the requisite candidacy paperwork by the deadline would preclude his name from being printed on November’s ballot. Freitas, however, insisted that the proposal was an unrelated matter. 

“This has absolutely nothing to do with that,” Freitas shouted hoarsely when pressed by Committee Chair Roxann Robinson (R-27). “A time machine has limitless applications, but for reasons I can’t get into right now, we have to—HAVE TO—commit these funds as soon as possible.”

The bill was ultimately rejected by a vote of 12-10. At the time of reporting, Freitas was seen searching eBay for a functioning 1982 DMC DeLorean along with various pieces of electrical equipment.

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