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Guy on DC Metro Not Using Any Handrails for Assistance Must Be Total Badass

WASHINGTON — Impressing onlookers with his cool demeanor as he stood firmly in place, that one guy on the DC metro not using any handrails for assistance must be a complete badass, sources confirmed Monday.

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The badass, who has yet to be identified, reportedly placed himself within distance of the available handrails, but never once grabbed one during his commute from Dupont Circle to Gallery Place. According to Emily Holmes, a fellow commuter, this 21st century renegade didn’t even acknowledge their presence and never showed any signs of slipping.

“The guy just stood there, occasionally staring at his phone, but he never once budged,” Holmes said of the feat, adding that he did not appear to even be shifting his body weight with the train’s forces to maintain balance. “This guy—this casual, John Wick-like specimen—he made this shit look easy. He just maintained his center of gravity without flinching, while all of us peasants held onto the rails like the weak amateurs we are.” 

“Hell, he could have my phone number,” Holmes added. “That’s got to be one strong core he’s got.”

Additional reports confirmed that a handful of passengers attempted to mimic his ways by not using the handles, but they came tumbling to the ground like the losers they were as the train came to a stop at the Metro Center station.

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