ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately.
Witnesses to the dispute claim that the four friends arrived at Courthaus Social thirty minutes early, but that the situation quickly devolved into a shouting match over whether their team name would be funny and crude or clever and political.
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“We live in NOVA. Everything is political,” self-appointed team captain Greg Stokes said. “I tried to bring a dose of reality to our cute little trivia night with suggestions like ‘The Notorious DJTs’ and ‘Marvel’s Infinity War in Afghanistan’ but these peons just weren’t having it.”
Former teammate Ryan Miller claims he vehemently objected to anything remotely referencing politics. “The rest of us were just here to drink craft IPAs and have a little fun,” Miller said, adding that Stokes’ lectures on politics had become overwhelming outside of the bar. “Greg started reading Noam Chomsky last month and now I can’t take him anywhere without hearing about our plutocratic overlords and the perils of American imperialism.”
Stokes’ other teammates refused to comment on the record, but The Peedmont was able to obtain a napkin left at the scene with a list of alternate team names the group considered, including:
- Stephen Miller, Real Life Slenderman
- My Milkshake Brings Nothing But Pain Because I Am Lactose Intolerant
- Don’t Tell Mom Democracy Is Dead
- Kevin Spacey’s Wandering Hands
- Chitty Chitty Bang Bang a Cop Just Shot You For Mowing Your Lawn While Black
- Kombucha My Snoocha
“It happens all the time,” trivia host Doug Graham said. “Some new teams spend all their time and energy arguing over their name only to miss the first round of questions, or in this case, all the questions. Honestly, who even remembers this stuff anyway?”
Despite the commotion at the start of the evening, reigning champions “The Real Insufferable Snobs of Ballston” swept the competition, claiming their 42nd straight win and $20 off their bar tab.
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