News Peed

Your Mom’s Favorite Band Playing Wolf Trap Next Week

VIENNA, Va. — The Wolf Trap National Park for the Performing Arts’ offerings will reach a true crescendo next week when your mom’s favorite band takes the stage one last time for their seventh Farewell tour in the last three decades, reports confirmed Wednesday morning.

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Your mom may not know the most about music, but she knows that music history peaked somewhere around the time she dumped Ricky Fleming for not taking her to go see “Saturday Night Fever” in 1977. 

While her favorite band may not have come out with a decent hit since the Reagan administration, sources close to your mom say that won’t stop her from going to see them play for what may be the last time, unless the lead singer gets divorced again and needs to pay for another attorney.

When asked about the upcoming concert, your mom mentioned that she has always enjoyed the Wolf Trap concert experience because she can sit on the lawn. “I really enjoy the lawn,” she explained, “it’s not too loud and you don’t really have to pay attention. The crowd is a lot more mellow up there.” 

Despite the fact that the guitarist hasn’t been the same since he got clean in 1993, sources confirm that your mom fully plans on going with a bunch of her girlfriends and gossiping about your lack of romantic prospects during the opener. She’ll also likely insist on having one too many cans of Rose All Day while trying to sing along to a song that’s older than you.

Seeing her favorite band with a group of friends she secretly despises also provides her with the golden opportunity to whip up another batch of her famous Fleetwood Mac and Cheese and tell everyone about the time Lindsey Buckingham winked at her during a record signing in 1983. As she puts it, “your father had no idea how close I came to dumping him.”

In between mac and cheese bites and actually paying attention to the concert, your mom will also gossip with Susan about which of their friends had the most work done. Spoiler alert, it’s probably Connie, that tramp. 

Wolf Trap’s summer concert series will soon come to a close as the season winds down. However, additional reports confirm that your dad could not be more excited to see his favorite band at Jiffy Lube Live in October, with reports adding that he has already bought a new pair of cargo shorts and white sneakers for the occasion.

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