UVA Student in Search of Fresh New Monocle Ahead of Fall Semester

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — After a tumultuous first year at the University of Virginia, rising sophomore Samuel Wilkerson has decided to turn things around and start fresh in the fall with the help of a brand new monocle.

“When I first arrived at UVA, I felt so out of place,” Wilkerson recalled in an exclusive interview with The Peedmont. “I’m not very athletic, so I couldn’t make any of the sports teams. And I’m not a big fan of cults, so pledging frats was out. That didn’t leave many other options.”

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After a few months on campus, Wilkerson began to realize that there was perhaps another way to find his place at the school. The Winchester native, who pays his rent with the help of Pell grants, said it became clear to him when the captain of the men’s lacrosse team showed up to class in a Tesla Model S that perhaps money was the real all-access pass to friendship at UVA.

“So I decided to test my theory,” Wilkerson said. “I hoped maybe if I just pretended to be filthy, stinking rich, people might finally quit asking me if I could serve hors d’oeuvres at their next soiree.”

Wilkerson reportedly tried everything to fit the part, including wearing salmon-colored shirts, boat shoes, and a North Face jacket everywhere he went. “But no matter what I did I still managed to get sniffed out as lower middle class,” Wilkerson lamented. “I just couldn’t imitate the cold, unyielding confidence of someone who could literally buy their way out of a murder conviction.”

Wilkerson claims he was about to sign up for elocution lessons to sound more preppy when “a thought suddenly struck me out of nowhere like one of those drunk teenagers with affluenza — monocles.” The freshman said he became inspired after watching Tim Burton’s “Batman Returns,” featuring Danny DeVito as the iconic monocle-sporting villain, Penguin. “I just thought, ‘wow, now there’s a guy who probably has a lot of friends.’”

In the waning months of the spring semester, Wilkerson began wearing a simple monocle he bought on Craigslist to class. His fashion choice caught the attention of several faculty members and resulted in at least one suggestion that he seek professional help. Still he remained confident that he was onto something. During a recent phone interview from his parent’s house, Wilkerson doubled down on the monocle idea, but said he plans to spend the rest of the summer searching for the perfect new eye piece that will finally cement his image as an out of touch one-percenter.

“I just need to find the right balance, somewhere between Colonel Klink and the Monopoly guy. Then people will really start to notice me.”

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