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Stoney Changes Locks on Redskins Training Camp Facility Following Team Departure

RICHMOND, Va. — Upon receiving a parting honk and wave from the final moving van as it turned down W. Leigh Street toward I-95, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney immediately began changing the locks on all doors and points of entry to the Bon Secours Washington Redskins Training Center, sources confirmed Monday.

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“Never again,” the mayor said while attaching a deadbolt to the doors of the main entrance. “We’re not paying another dime for them to come in here and sell $200 worth of team swag. I draw the line at $13.8 million.”

“Thirteen point eight goddamn million,” Stoney continued, installing a new lock cylinder into a side-entry security door. “No fucking way. Not for a 7-9 record team. No sir.”

Executives from Bon Secours Health System were fully supportive of the decision to bar the door to the Redskins. “Yeah, fuck the Skins!” Toni R. Ardabell, CEO of the Bon Secours Richmond Health System, said. “Eagles, baby! Super Bowl champs! Get your punk asses back up to Landover and stay there!”

Within four hours, Mayor Stoney had finished the installation of the final lock on a rear access door. “There. I just saved us $750,000 a year,” Stoney said, referring to the guaranteed annual cash payouts the city would otherwise have to pay the Redskins organization through 2033. 

At press time, no official comment was expected from the Redskins front office, as they had not yet been informed of the partnership’s termination. However, a note left behind on team letterhead conveyed the organization’s gratitude to the city and to Bon Secours, reading “Thanks for another great summer, guys! See you next year! HTTR XOXO. -The Redskins”

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