J.E.B. Stuart Statue Tired of Other Monuments Getting All the Attention, Spray-Paint

RICHMOND, Va. — The J.E.B. Stuart statue on Monument Avenue held a press conference today to complain about how the other Confederate monuments in Richmond get all the attention and protestors.

James Ewell Brown Stuart, better known as “Jeb,” is best known for serving as chief of the cavalry for the Confederacy, being the third most hated person buried in Hollywood Cemetery, and for being the fourth most hated statue on Monument Avenue, despite his intentions.

“Look I fought and died for the Confederacy,” said the statue, “I deserve to be splattered with paint and eggs at least as often as Stonewall Jackson or Lee down the street. I had a horse in this race too, quite literally.”

“I haven’t been vandalized in two years,” the statue continued. “Two years! Can one of you Antifa hipsters please for the love of God take your focus off Davis for five seconds and give me a proper tarring and feathering? Or just throw some rocks at me, at the very least.”

However, since only two people attended the press conference, due to protest at the Jefferson Davis Memorial that was occurring simultaneously, it is unlikely that Stuart’s speech will inspire any acts of political graffiti. After the conference, the statue mentioned to reporters that he’d even be content with the Virginia Flaggers holding a rally at his location, as he claimed the other statues were getting that type of attention too.