RICHMOND, Va. — Local residents have begun to feel the negative effects of Richmond’s newfound gentrification efforts as Pabst Blue Ribbon prices have soared in recent weeks. Citing increased spending power among newer residents of the city as well as skyrocketing demand for what many call the “People’s Beer of Richmond,” Pabst Brewing Company officially announced an increase in the cost of PBR’s signature Tall Boy to a staggering $3.
Prior to this announcement, the average Richmond resident could obtain a standard 24 oz. PBR Tall Boy for prices ranging from a moderately amusing anecdote featuring a beloved pet to a firm yet caring handshake. The new price point of $3 is a disastrous development for the local concert-going alcoholic.
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The price increase is yet another market indicator of the effects of gentrification within Richmond. Aside from housing prices soaring, residents have also had to contend with rising brunch costs, Strange Matter’s new “Dave Matthews Band Covers Only” policy, and Mayor Stoney’s new flannel tax as the city tries to attract younger, richer, more attractive, but generally worse residents.
Local bartender, Frank Richards, announced new efforts to combat the unjust price increase. “Starting this weekend, I call upon all Richmond bartenders to stop selling PBR Tall Boys and instead begin moving towards Hamm’s, Steel Reserve, or Colt 45 to combat the rising tide of gentrification,” Richards said. “Gentrification is a drag on the entire city. A younger, richer, and more attractive populace can only spell doom for the thriving dive bar industry as more people begin moving towards rooftop bars, speakeasies, and worse, spending a quiet evening home with loved ones.”
Seemingly abandoned by the city’s favorite brand, Richmond drinkers will have to resort to alternatives in order to numb their existential angst and calm the shakes. In lieu of PBR, bars and restaurants have reported increased sales of what one customer described as “nondescript intoxicants served only in jugs marked XXX” and White-Out.
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