Global Sperry Shortage Causes Panic On UVA Campus

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. – What started out as a normal week at Charlottesville’s prestigious campus quickly spiraled into chaos as a worldwide shortage of Sperry’s brand of shoes struck the area. The shortage is the result of both insufficient materials at major production plants and recent labor strikes, and has had a major impact at the acclaimed University of Virginia. Numerous students have fallen victim to the shortage, with many spotted walking around barefoot around the town as a result. One fraternity house, Phi Gamma Delta, was spotted in flames, with some of its student residents sprawled out on the lawn displaying withdrawal-like symptoms such as cold sweats and vivid hallucinations. Another neighboring fraternity house was assembling their supply of North Face brand clothing with polo shirts of various sizes to create emergency footwear to survive the epidemic. There have thankfully been no confirmed fatalities as of yet, but multiple injuries have been reported, including one instance of a panic-stricken student sawing off his left foot in a fit of maniacal laughter.

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