RICHMOND-UPON-JAMES, Va. — Addressing the masses, gathered in the thousands upon Capitol Square, a royal spokesman for His Highness, Basil, King of Pops, didst decree that our esteemed King, by virtue of his own wit and thew, forestalled a dastardly machination of murder most foul against our beloved sovereign.
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“Let it be known hitherto among all peoples, noble and common, from Ash-Land to Peter’s Burg,” the royal town crier decreed, “that Basil, the great and fair King of Pops, anointed sovereign and purveyor of glacial confectionery to all beneath our glorious banner, hath rendered justice by the royal axe upon the napes of six-and-twenty foul and scurrilous malefactors!”
Audible gasps which rippled through the sprawling gallery were superseded forthwith by the deafening expulsion of mirth and good cheer. Exclamations of “Huzzah!” and “God save the King of Pops!” were common refrains from the King’s grateful subjects.
“I heard His Highness really put the drip in those plonkers’ gas buckets,” offered Nigel Alford, a bootblack hailing from Manchester who joined in the exaltation of our monarch’s triumph. “He right mingered their snout pans into a chummy wick on a free droom mabby, he did!”
Relief and reserve, however, were the prevailing sentiments displayed among his majesty’s relations, who received word of the king’s ordeal whilst on holiday at the Royal Cottage on Brown’s Island. Stolid countenance among the peerage betrayed no outward fear nor concern for the perseverance of House Basil. There were those, however, who vouchsafed more impassioned testimony.
“I’ve seen to it personally, with mine own hand, that the fiendish rats who assailed our beloved regent will no longer threaten this kingdom, ” Arnold, Duke of Lemonberry and brother of the king himself said in a most furious invective delivered against the late would-be assassins. “They will not be given a second chance to repeat their mistake. Their sophomoric, amateurish, costly, easily avoidable mis—uhh…Long live the king and his legacy!”
A motive for the crime was not established, as the justice meted out by the King’s brother was far too swift to obtain any salient details of what may have impelled such a cowardly and ignoble deed. The King of Pops, however, is said to be resting comfortably inside his bedchamber. In celebration of his mighty victory, a new Mango Cherry flavor will be struck to commemorate this august occasion.