News Peed

Newly Discovered Dinosaur Fossils Reveal Roanoke Meth Problem Goes Back Millennia

ROANOKE, Va. A pair of paleontologists shocked the scientific community today with their discovery that dinosaurs who lived near Roanoke during the Triassic Period may have succumbed to a meth overdose. The news further supports Roanoke Valley’s long-standing reputation as a haven for methamphetamine use.

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Dr. Florence Grandiose and Dr. Harry Lesser made the discovery after doing chemical scans of Plateosaurus fossils, many of which came from Roanoke and its environs. “The Plateosaurus  lived 229 million to 200 million years ago,” Dr. Grandiose said, “and they died out for some unknown reason.”

Lesser and Grandiose found traces of pseudoephedrine, an active ingredient in what is commonly referred to as crystal meth, in fossils from the period. They went on to hypothesize that a drug problem could have been the cause of the downfall of the dinosaurs.

While many in the scientific community have mocked Grandiose and Lesser’s research, calling them flim flammers and wannabe bigfoot detectives, some Roanoke residents view the findings as irrefutable proof that the community was predisposed to have a meth problem.

“I read somewhere that history repeats itself,” Irene Fisher, a resident whose friend’s nephew died of a meth overdose in 2017, said. “History sure has repeated itself here. Too bad most people around here didn’t study late Devonian period ecology or things might have turned out differently.”  

While people like Fisher are left to wonder what would have happened if the discovery had occurred a few years earlier, others are using the discovery to drum up business.

Ben Richy, a local meth dealer, was ecstatic after hearing of the discovery. “My customers look to me for the very best supply,” Richy said. “Now, I can tell them that my shit is the same shit that dinosaurs were on. How cool is that?”

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