MECHANICSVILLE, Va. — After spending a total of seven minutes on Wikipedia researching the Civil War, Mechanicsville resident Martin Clark felt prepared to go off in the comments section of a Richmond Times-Dispatch Facebook post, sources confirmed Wednesday.
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A wine salesman and self-described liberal tear collector, Clark decided late Tuesday evening to become an expert on the causes of the Civil War, and then to share his newfound expertise with random strangers on the aforementioned RTD article discussing Monument Avenue.
Despite the fact that Clark hasn’t even taken the time to watch Ken Burns’ “The Civil War,” sources close to him say he now feels compelled to reply to people like Beth McCarthy, who shared a video on the article’s Facebook post about how slavery was the main cause of Civil War. “The main cause of the Civil War was states’ rights NOT slavery,” Clark replied, completely oblivious to the fact that the specific state right in contention was the right to own slaves.
“The so-called Confederate flag isn’t the flag of the Confederacy,” Clark continued. “If you actually spent time researching and reading real Civil War history you would know that it is actually the battle flag of the Army of Northern Virginia. It is still flown today to honor the bravery and courage of the men fighting for the Confederacy, most of whom didn’t own slaves.”
Clark, who spent about as much time researching the subject as our editorial team spent producing this article, went on to claim that those with differing views on the cause of the Civil War were not qualified to discuss the subject. “You’re not a historian, you’re not an expert,” he stated. “You can’t just believe everything CNN tells you. You have to do research.”
At press time, it was discovered that Clark had in fact spent an additional three minutes researching the Civil War, as he shared a blatantly false video about the Morrill Tariff, with the comment “I encourage you all to watch this and discover the truth about the Civil War for yourself.”
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