Alex Smith Hopes They Just Kill Him Next Time

LANDOVER, Md. — In a somber press conference delivered after Tuesday’s team practice, Washington Redskins quarterback, Alex Smith told members of the press that while he’s uncertain of his playing future at this stage in his recovery from last year’s season-ending injury, he just hopes that they kill him next time in the event that he takes the field with the Redskins again.

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“It’s been a long road to recovery,” said Smith in a melancholy whisper, “but progress has been steady, and I’m hopeful that if I rejoin the ‘Skins on that field in 2019, someone will step up and finish the fucking job.”

Smith, who suffered a compound fracture of the fibula and tibia during a loss to the Houston Texans last November, is contracted with the team through the 2022 season. The ailing 35-year-old quarterback told reporters that it was during a protracted hospital stay that he realized death would be the only way to break himself free from the organization.

“Every time I put on a Redskins jersey, I feel like I’m wearing a blanket of broken glass and nightmares,” said Smith. “I’m fully committed to rehabbing this leg, getting back to playing strength, and throwing myself headlong into the hellish meatgrinder of Redskins football.”

Redskins owner Dan Snyder has been vocal about his support of Smith’s recovery and his eagerness to see his star quarterback taking snaps in the regular season once again.

“Alex is a champion, plain and simple,” said Snyder. “He has a heart bigger than the game, and I just know he’s going to make a phenomenal comeback and rejoin this team.”

Added Snyder, “The gods demand it. The gods demand their blood sacrifice! HAIL!”

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