Virginia Universities To Offer Degrees On How To Live With Student Debt

ALEXANDRIA, Va. – Speaking at the annual University Insight Conference held in Alexandria on Wednesday, president of university development Jennifer Burke unveiled plans for state universities to offer degrees and multiple courses on how graduates can survive while living with unprecedented amounts of tuition & student loan debt.

“We’re well aware of academic costs associated with higher learning, and want to do everything we can to help our students get through it,” Burke described in the course outline. “Since figuring out how to make higher learning in our country less expensive is clearly ‘impossible,’ we want our students to have the useful tools for success when it comes to living with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.”

Washington and Lee University in Lexington will be one of the many schools to offer a degree in Student Loan Survival, and will offer classes such as Budgeting Your Ever-increasing Interest Rates 101, Purchasing Real Estate You’ll Never Be Able To Afford 201, and How To Save For Retirement When You May Not Actually Have Any Money Available To Save For Retirement 204.”

Burke continued, “We’re very excited to offer such valuable information to our student population. We are confident that this is a step in the right direction to helping students who are totally fucked financially for the rest of their lives.”

Participating universities are expected to institute these new programs next semester, with some schools even incorporating elements from sexual education into the programs, according to Burke.

“If students are going to be screwed by their loans, they should at least be screwed safely.”