CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — UVA football opened this week as the 25th-ranked college team in the country according to the AP Top 25 poll, in what was clearly the result of a bargain with the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself.
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This is a marked departure from the recent history of UVA football, marred by gut-wrenching disappointment and their annual loss to a middling Virginia Tech. Each win this year may cost the program its immortal soul. Though the precise details remain sealed with the blood of the innocent, as is the standard contractual practice in the jurisdiction commonly known as “Hell,” it’s obvious that the UVA football program felt a few souls here and there were worth the newfound success.
As is the case with most Faustian bargains, this deal with Satan likely comes with increasingly ironic consequences. The first indication that Satan may not be a good faith actor in this agreement came when it was announced by U.S. News & World Report that UVA fell to No. 28 in their overall academic rankings.
However, students may also come to expect the following plagues of Biblical proportions: locusts infesting The Lawn, Mincer’s running out of overpriced bow ties, losing to Virginia Tech for an additional 666 years, and, worst of all, Tony Bennett losing his hair.