News Peed

Felts Family Members Questioned in Connection to Smithfield Drive-By Hamming

IVOR, Va. — At least three members of the Felts ham dynasty were questioned today as part of the ongoing investigation into a recent drive-by hamming on longtime country smokers, and Felts’ rivals, the Smithfields.

Last Friday, five members of the Smithfield clan were asleep in their beds when they were suddenly awakened by the sound of shattering glass and screeching tires. “We thought one of the hogs got loose,” patriarch Ephraim Smithfield recalled. “They do that sometimes when they’re in heat. Got to wrangle them up before they break the whole pen. But it wasn’t no hog at all, someone threw a got’ damn ham through our front window.”

Although no physical evidence was found at the scene that could identify the culprits, the Smithfield family was convinced they already knew who was responsible.

“It was one of them Felts boys, I just know it,” Martha Smithfield told reporters. “Who else would be so low down and nasty as to throw a low-sodium, pressed ham into our home? That ain’t even fit for a dog.”

Local police sat down with William, Samuel, and Jethro Felts to get their side of the story but were met with equal conviction that it was the Smithfields who had in fact hammed themselves.

“Those Smithfields will do anything to get attention,” William Felts, the eldest son, said when asked what he told police. “‘Oooh, look at me, my hams are a national treasure.’ Hogswallop! Them Smithfields stole my grandpappy’s secret country ham recipe years ago. They’re crooks, plain and simple.”

Word of the Felts’ accusations soon made its way back to the Smithfields.

“They said we stole what?” Ephraim Smithfield shouted. “Why those slimy, inbred dirt farmers couldn’t tell the back of a pig from their own cousin. This means war.”

Shortly after the Felts men were released from custody, authorities were called to the Felts family farm following multiple reports of a bare-knuckled brawl and taunting calls for someone to “squeal like a pig.” At press time, officers were still trying to quell several Smithfield children who continued to mercilessly pelt them with hambones from a large oak tree.

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