CULPEPER, Va. — In what has become an annual attempt to rekindle their long-dead romance, George and Linda Reynolds’ day trip to Culpeper is really doing the heavy lifting to keep them together.
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The couple met on Main Street in Culpeper 32 years ago, and like swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano, the couple has made an annual pilgrimage to the tiny hamlet for the last 26 years. The tradition began as a much-anticipated long weekend getaway from the couple’s three children, but over the years has devolved into 12 hours of banal conversation, sighing, and eye rolling as the couple wanders the same streets and shops as the previous year.
“Fifteen years ago this weekend was a guaranteed blowjob,” George said. “Now it’s the same damn thing every time. We drive all the way up here from Portsmouth to eat lunch at Baby Jim’s and then wander around the same shops for seven fucking hours while Linda buys a bunch of antique bullshit we don’t need.”
Similar sentiments were expressed by Linda.
“George is such a bastard sometimes,” Linda said. “Is it too much to ask that he give me one day a year to do something I enjoy together?”
The couple reportedly got into a minor spat inside an antique shop on Davis Street when George suggest he visit a nearby bar to watch football while she perused antiques at Quail at the Wood. However, the pair quickly ended their disagreement when Linda reminded George that she forgave him for purchasing a Pornhub premium account and that getting double AMEX points was not a good enough reason to keep it.
Witnesses report that after their argument George retreated to a nearby chair to check football scores on his phone while grumbling at least this is better than apple picking.
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