RICHMOND, Va. — Late Sunday evening, officials identified the man involved in a fatal and highly embarrassing traffic accident while riding a Bolt electric scooter in Carytown.
This is the first scooter-related fatality in Richmond since Bolt introduced the objectively lame vehicles in June. Local financial analyst Austin Fisher was recklessly riding the scooter on Sunday afternoon after leaving Carytown Cupcakes, before being obliterated by an ambulance.
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Shocked by the pitiful display, witnesses say the scene unfolded in a series of comically bizarre incidents like a sort of macabre Rube Goldberg contraption, and commented that dying on a Bolt scooter is possibly the most disgraceful fate any human being could endure.
“He was trying to eat a cupcake with one hand and steer his scooter with the other,” bystander Cheri Leblanc explained. “He dropped the cupcake of course, and I guess the frosting gunked up the motor or something because that scooter just took off at an absurd speed and tossed him right into an oncoming ambulance. What a loser. I’m not a religious person but I’m pretty sure you go to hell for dying in such a ridiculous way.”
“I’ve never seen one of those things fly like that, like it really, well, bolted you know,” Carytown Cupcakes manager Brad McClutchen said, chuckling. “Death is sad and all, but on a Bolt scooter? I mean, I had a Razor when I was a kid, but there’s something just really irritating and annoying about a fully-grown man riding one. I’d rather be eaten alive by piranhas than die like that poor bastard.”
In one of the most embarrassing and ignoble deaths ever witnessed in recent memory, sources said that when Fisher was hurled onto the street, the handlebar snagged onto the pocket of his zip-off cargo pants and pulled them down to his ankles. This not only exposed his buttocks but effectively pulled his headphones from his iPhone, which was playing “Who Let the Dogs Out” at full volume. Fisher’s six pack of White Claw fell from his backpack and rolled across Cary Street as he was completely annihilated by the speeding ambulance. Due to the delay, the woman being transported was forced to give birth in front of AVAIL Vapor.
Fisher is survived by his parakeet, a collection of early-2000s Caribbean hip hop records, and his mother, who violently wept when she found out her son was using such a dorky mode of transportation. According to sources close to the family, his mother refused to attend the funeral out of sheer embarrassment.