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Adult Who Toilet Papered Houses in West End as a Kid Thinks 16-Year-Old Climate Change Advocate Should Grow Up

GOOCHLAND, Va. — Criticizing her as an arrogant pawn who is completely oblivious to how the world really works, Goochland resident Harry Jenson verbally attacked Swedish climate change advocate Greta Thunberg, sources confirmed Thursday. 

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Jenson, a 58-year-old who, during his adolescence, committed childish pranks without ever accepting responsibility for them, condemned the teenager for her recent speech calling on adults to take action against the threat of climate change.

“That kid doesn’t know her ear from her elbow,” Jenson, who spent his teenage years playing ding-dong-ditch and throwing toilet paper at houses throughout the suburbs in Henrico, explained in a recent Facebook post. “She sure as hell don’t know anything about no damn science. She needs to grow up. Until she can EARN MONEY she should stop lecturing us about the economy.”

“She’s just like every other Gen Z out there, just glued to her phone and reading propaganda from CNN,” he continued, before contacting his teenage nephew for instructions on how to access his email. “If she actually bothered to do her research, she would know that climate change was invented by the Chinese so they could make more money manufacturing goods.”

At the time of reporting, Jensen, who throughout his high school years routinely committed petty crimes and claimed to be a rebel for flicking off a mall cop, had retreated to his echo chamber of commenting on Fox News articles to validate his feeble understanding of basic scientific principles and to further complain about Thunberg’s actions.

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