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Altria Cigarette Monument Diagnosed With Cancer

RICHMOND, Va. — Altria released a statement today confirming reports that its cigarette monument has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

“This is sad news for all of us in the Altria corporate family,” the statement read in part. “We understand that tobacco certainly didn’t help the monument’s health, but it is important to remember there are many other factors at play. We don’t think it lived a very healthy lifestyle. Regardless, it is devastating that this life will be cut so short.”

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The cigarette monument, located in a very prominent spot on I-95, has confused drivers since its inception. But in the statement, Altria encouraged all of the monument’s supporters to honk when they pass by a gesture of goodwill in its battle against cancer.

“That monument is a real fighter, and we believe that with courage and support, it can persevere through this challenging time,” the statement continued. “No tall, narrow structure, whether it’s the CN Tower, the Washington Monument or this one with multiple brands of cigarettes written on its sides, should have to go at this alone.”

Altria promised to update the public on any progress or updates as the monument undergoes treatment.

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