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Bee-Swarmed Corey Stewart Announces Plans to Run for his Fucking Life

OCCOQUAN, Va. — In a fiery address delivered near the far corner of his backyard while covered in bees, Prince William County Board of Supervisors Chairman Corey Stewart announced his plans to run for his fucking life. 

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“The time has come to take action,” claimed the Chairman to no one in particular as more than 30,000 European honey bees swarmed his person. “I can no longer—ACK!!—stand idly by and do nothing while this—OWW!—growing infestation threatens the very air I breathe. I’m here to announce that I, Corey Alan Stew—FUCK!—Stewart, am running.”

The bees, aroused after Stewart kicked their nest inside a fallen tree during his regular morning scream into the woods, followed him through his yard and into the driveway as he flailed. “As an American, as a patriot, I can’t see any—FUCKING BEES! GODDAMMIT!—other course of action,” Stewart exclaimed hoarsely as the stinging insects swarmed his face and torso. “I can’t see anything at all! MY EYES! OH GOD THE BEES ARE IN MY EYES!”

A spokesperson for Stewart said his first plan of action was to inject himself with an EpiPen, followed by a change of pants. He is expected to make an appearance at Sentara Lake Ridge’s emergency room this afternoon.

It’s a wonderful day to visit our online store, wouldn’t you say?

 

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