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Italian Student Gives Native American Classmate the Flu on Columbus Day

ARLINGTON, Va. — Controversy struck Dave Bautista Elementary School on Columbus Day when fourth grader, Anthony Garibaldi, was accused of giving the flu to his classmate, Jeremy Evans. 

Evans’ recent bout with the flu happened to coincide with Columbus Day, and his family is accusing Garibaldi of purposely infecting him as a sick, pun intended, and distasteful Columbus Day joke.

The Garibaldis vehemently denied the rumors that their son would be capable of such a hilariously timed prank. His mother, Rose, explained, “My precious baby would never do something like this. Now, get out of my face before I hit you with a wooden spoon or engage in any myriad stereotypical behaviors which we as a society have grown to view as acceptable for parodying an entire ethnicity.”

The Evans family isn’t buying that answer. Jeremy’s father, David, explained, “I don’t trust those Garibaldis. They move into the neighborhood and the entire block smells like garlic. I bet they’re involved in organized crime, I mean that Dad of his always has that greasy look like one of those…wait a minute, I can say this right? That’s not offensive?”

For now, fourth grade teacher, Victoria Henderson, is siding with the Garibaldis, “I don’t think Anthony did anything wrong. There’s no way of knowing he would infect poor Jeremy with his flu, just in time for Indiginous Peoples Day. Then again he has grown pretty friendly with the new Spanish exchange student we just got, Ferdinand, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.”

Though there’s no evidence that Garibaldi intentionally spread the flu, there have been a number of suspicious coincidences in Ms. Henderson’s fourth grade class. Garibaldi has since taken over Evans’ desk which his friend Ferdinand guaranteed would be full of valuable resources, such as gum and those crayons that come in the carton with the little sharpener built in. In fact, Garibaldi has also grown very close to the classmate Evans used to sit next to, Isabella Castile, who is known in the fourth grade as the “it” girl of the semester. Garibaldi has also taken Evans’ place during gym class as captain of the dodgeball team and has also taken over his role as Squanto in the Thanksgiving play. 

Because of his actions, Garibaldi has been vilified by the PTA which has removed his family name from the school auditorium, the funds for which were donated by his Uncle Dominic’s waste management company. Unfortunately, the Garibaldis have also been the victims of a vicious social media campaign by angry parents telling the immigrant family that Italy is “a complete and total catastrophe, the worst, most corrupt and inept country in the world,” and that they should, go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.”

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