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VCU Bros Wander Aimlessly Through Baja Bean Parking Lot With Tecate Withdrawal

RICHMOND, Va. — Visibly distraught and moderately delirious, members of the Delta Tau Chi fraternity were seen lurking in the parking lot of the recently-closed Baja Bean Co. on Main Street while suffering Tecate withdrawal, sources confirmed Tuesday. 

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The recent closure of Baja Bean, which was a major source of cheap alcoholic nourishment for VCU’s Greek Row, has left dozens of fraternity brothers with severe withdrawal from Tecate and the occasional shot of Fireball. The symptoms have been severe enough that many former patrons are reduced to wandering the establishment’s parking lot wearing polo shirts and backwards hats.

“I don’t know what to do, bro,” Chad Sheppard, a senior studying mass communications said while sweating profusely. “No bullshit, I’m big mad about this. Baja was fuckin slaps for cheap drinks. I’m gonna have to go drink at City Beach now like some lame community college student.”

Fellow fraternity brother Steve “Kyle” Whimsley was also seen in the parking lot, standing against the building’s western side at a spot where he frequently threw up nachos upon leaving the bar. He went through several bouts of violent coughing, as if trying to replicate his vomiting, before finally passing out in a handicapped parking space.

At press time, both the Richmond Police Department and VCU Police had dispatched units to the scene to ensure the safety of those holding vigil. Mayor Levar Stoney released a separate statement saying the city plans to offer crisis counselors to all those affected. He also offered a gentle reminder to aggrieved regulars that The Fan has at least a dozen other establishments offering cheap beer and sub-par food. 

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