FAIRFAX, Va. — In the midst of the Washington Nationals winning their first World Series championship, one die-hard fan is excited to use the event as an opportunity to update the profile pictures on his numerous dating apps.
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George Mason University graduate and self-proclaimed sports maniac Steve Baker plans to attend the victory parade in Washington D.C., believing it to be the perfect photographic setting to boost his sex appeal and attract women way out of his league. Although an avid user of Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, to which he refers to as “the holy trinity,” Baker is experiencing a disturbing lack of matches across the three platforms.
“I haven’t changed my profile pics since the Capitals won the Stanley Cup. Are chicks not into hockey anymore?” asked Baker, who owns six Washington Nationals hats but hasn’t made it to third base since 2016. “This parade is my chance to tweak my game and show those babes not only am I a savage party animal but also completely obsessed with baseball. And if there’s one thing I know about chicks, it’s that they love passionate dudes.”
Sources say Baker plans to get a friend to take a picture of him drinking an IPA in front of the Lincoln Memorial while wearing a Nationals jersey that was purchased after game three of the World Series. There have also been discussions of Baker taking a selfie while flicking off Trump Tower on Pennsylvania Avenue using a special #GoNats filter.
“The gals of Tinder love two things: baseball and anything anti-Trump,” he said, mentioning that he did, in fact, vote for the current president. “If I can combine the two, I’ll knock the dating game out of the park, for sure.”
“See what I did there? That is a baseball reference,” he added.
Several polls have shown that hundreds of other bros, jocks, and sporty dudes have all had the same idea as Baker to use the victory parade as a means to get laid.
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