Jeff Sessions Seen Auditioning for Tysons Corner Christmas Elf

TYSONS, Va. — After being forced to resign by President Trump, former Attorney General Jeff Sessions was spotted this week by early Christmas shoppers at Tysons Corner Center trying out to be one of Santa’s helper elves, sources confirmed Tuesday.

RELATED (article continued below):

• Word on the street is that our 2019 calendars, “Universities of the Commonwealth,” make great Christmas gifts. Click here to get yours today.

“When I first saw him wandering outside Pottery Barn, I thought this poor, sickly kid was lost,” Reston native Roberta Johnson said in an interview next to a Christmas-themed stage being constructed for Santa. “He looked like some kind of evil goblin creature from a “Krampus” outtake. But then I realized he wasn’t a goblin at all, but former three-and-a-half term Sen. Jeff Sessions.”

Reporters eventually caught up with Sessions in the mall parking lot to confirm that he had, in fact, chosen to leave the White House and work as a lowly Christmas elf. “You might think following around a big, fat oaf and doing his bidding all day is below my paygrade,” Sessions said while nibbling on a half-eaten fish filet. “I assure you, it is not.”

After the Christmas season is over, Sessions is expected to return to his previous job of being only the second creepiest person to ever run for Senate in Alabama.

RELATED

• New Voice-Activated “Dave Brat Grill” Only Recognizes Voices of White Men
• Omarosa Fired, Seen Taking Up Shifts as Club Rouge Bouncer
• Fairfax Resident Discovers Left Turn Signal On Vehicle