Monument Avenue Protesters Demand Removal of Confederate Cornhole Players

RICHMOND, Va. —­ Dozens of social justice advocates marched on Monument Avenue Saturday morning, calling for lawmakers to remove a group of Confederate cornhole players occupying the grassy median.

The rally converged near the Stonewall Jackson statue on the stretch between Mulberry Street and Arthur Ashe Boulevard, where the Kernel Mosbys, a club of southern Libertarian lawn game enthusiasts, play the popular backyard sport while dressed in full Confederate battle regalia. Known for their eccentric ideology, the group first made headlines when they organized a croquet tournament with the United Daughters of the Confederacy in 2018. 

The group claims that cornhole is a part of their heritage, as well as the tenets of the Confederate States of America.

“It is known that cornhole was invented by Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson during their sophomore year at West Point, as a way to impress and seduce the local ladies,” Kernel Mosbys spokesman Waymon Abernathy told reporters as he set up his stars-and-bars cornhole boards and bags embroidered with President Donald Trump’s face. “No, now don’t you look that up on your smart computer gizmo there. This here is God’s honest truth. My great granddaddy learned how to chuck a corn bag from General Lee himself.”

Residents of the Museum District say the group is a menace and are eager to see them relocated to a median where they are more welcome.

“Let them play that dumb game at the historical society or something. All day long I hear Lynyrd Skynyrd at full volume accompanied by the thumps of those stupid beanbags,” local homeowner Beth Osbourne said. “Whenever I ask them to keep it down they just tell me to stop treading on them, whatever that means, and they won’t shut up about states’ rights.”   

“It’s about time someone comes to kick them out of our median, I can never get in a solid game of bocce with those jerks constantly shot-gunning Keystones out there, and the fact that they open carry old muskets and, like, blunderbusses and shit is making everyone uncomfortable,” resident and protester Dan Lomez said. “It is just absolutely disgusting that they would set up so close to a road named after Arthur Ashe, I mean he’s sort of like a legend in the badminton community.”  

Accompanied by Antifa’s frisbee golf league, the protesters vastly outnumbered the Kernel Mosbys. Tensions reached a climax as the two groups hurled a variety of projectile lawn toys at each other. Completely disoriented after taking a pair of ladder balls to the sternum, Abernathy was taken to Patient First while singing “I Wish I Was In Dixie” over a megaphone. 

Gov. Ralph Northam addressed the protest in a press conference later that day, appearing to have no stance on the issue, saying the removal of the Confederates would have to go through the General Assembly.

“There’s a lot of red tape and legal hurdles to go through before we can relocate any cornhole crews on Monument Avenue,” Northam stated. “Now, if any one of you news junkies want to chuck some corn bags out back, I’ll be waiting with my main man Levar Stone Cold Stoney with a 30-pack of Busch if you want to see how real corn stars get it in.”

Be sure to swing by our online store before going back to looking at cat memes or whatever else it is you’re doing today.