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Doctor Confirms Participant in Richmond Marathon Still Going to Die One Day

RICHMOND, Va. — Explaining that his healthy nature and superior endurance ultimately mean nothing, local doctors announced today that Anthem Richmond Marathon participant Christopher Locklear will still eventually die.

Dr. Sharon Dorner, a cardiologist at Henrico Doctors’ Hospital, addressed a crowd at the marathon’s finish line downtown, where she explained that even though Locklear leads an athletic lifestyle and has the stamina to run a 26-mile course in just over four hours, he is not expected to live forever.

“Sure, his muscle-to-fat ratio is optimal and he exercises six days a week,” she stated, “but it ultimately won’t save him. Just because he can survive a full marathon doesn’t mean he’s somehow impervious to death. The poor bastard’s days are still numbered.”

Dorner concluded the statement by adding that the only human that is currently expected to live indefinitely was not an extraordinarily fit individual, but guitarist Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.


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