VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — Local resident Margaret Allen, whose car sports an “I Love Jet Noise” bumper sticker, announced today that she is utterly disgusted by the thought of windmills off the Virginia Beach shoreline.
Allen, who is an avid fan of lying on the beach while listening to Boeing F/A-18 Super Hornets complete a series of low flyovers, believes that positioning a limitless source of clean energy just off the coast would destroy the natural beauty of an area already festooned with shitty hotels, parking decks, and a Ferris wheel.
“The Virginia Beach oceanfront should remain as is, in its natural state,” Allen explained. “The sight of windmills would decimate our property values. I mean, will any spring breakers or Canadian snowbirds want to vacation here if they can see and hear giant wind turbines?”
According to Dominion Energy spokesperson Matt Trevor, the windmills will not be visible from the beach. “The two windmills that we are currently constructing are so far off shore that they can’t be seen or heard,” Trevor said. “They will not impact the human beachgoer in any way.”
Despite repeated assurances from Dominion, Allen still isn’t convinced. “Dominion, unlike the United States Navy, doesn’t have a good track record when it comes to the environment. These are the same people cutting half of the Blue Ridge to bury a pipe,” Allen said.
As for the legitimate environmental concerns that the turbines could kill and displace seabirds, Allen could care less. “Birds just get sucked into jet engines and cause trouble,” Allen said. “We don’t actually need them.”