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Flaming Heap of Coal Named Grand Marshall for Dominion Christmas Parade

RICHMOND, Va. — In keeping with the company’s brand of environmentally reckless decisions, the grand marshal for the annual Dominion Energy Christmas Parade this Saturday will be a heap of burning coal, Dominion Energy announced today. 

According to Dominion Energy spokesperson Carol Bevitt, the flaming pile of coal was chosen over other a few other options, including a murky puddle of oil and Captain Planet with two black eyes.

“We’re really excited to introduce our most established grand marshal yet,” Bevitt explained, adding that the burning heap of coal, nicknamed Ashy, was expected to be a big hit, especially with children. “We think the kids lined up on Broad Street will just fall in love with Ashy. Ashy is going to travel along the parade route with all of the usual floats, spurting projectiles of flaming bits left and right that will keep everyone warmed up.”

“We’re also going to provide bags of marshmallows to those seated near the start of the parade,” Bevitt continued. “So everyone can enjoy some s’mores as the parade marches by.”

In addition to announcing Ashy as the grand marshal of this weekend’s parade, Bevitt also revealed that at the end of the parade, Ashy will be dumped in the James River directly off Brown’s Island.

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