Lame Ambulance Driver Doesn’t Turn Siren on During Parade

RICHMOND, Va. — Citing a mild hangover and a general lack of fucks to give, Timothy Fortner, a local first responder and ambulance driver, refused to turn on the ambulance’s siren during this morning’s Dominion Energy Christmas Parade.

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Fortner, a junior member with the Richmond Department of Fire and Emergency Services was assigned the task of driving an ambulance in this year’s parade, a task which he had minimal interest in completing. Historically, other drivers have gotten into the holiday spirit and offered the occasional ‘whoop whoop’ as they passed the eight-dozen people who typically attend the parade. However, Fortner flatly refused to play along.

“Call me a grinch or whatever you want,” Fortner said in a phone interview while driving the parade route. “I’m just here in case one of the roller derby girls gets road rash or the Chick-fil-A float runs over a small child, it’s not my job to entertain these people.”

According to members of his squad, the annual Christmas Parade is the highlight of their year. Each year the team gathers together to take Fireball shots and do whip-its from the oxygen tank while traversing the parade route. Fortner was reportedly upset that as the team’s newest member he was required to serve as the squad’s sober driver.

“Lewis and Kysockwi are back there having a handstand contest and Menina said she’d show everyone her tits,” Fortner grumbled. “Up here, it’s eyes front mister and make sure to wave,” he added sarcastically. “I mean, shit, how many goddamn marching bands do we really need?”

Eyewitnesses report that Fortner did finally turn on the siren at the end of the parade in a fit of anger. They said he lost his temper while trying to make a left-hand turn on 7th Street in front of a bunch of pedestrians and blasted the siren until everyone moved out of the way. He’s currently under disciplinary review for his attitude and for telling the 2019 Henrico Christmas Mother to “eat shit.”

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