RICHMOND, Va. — Shoppers at the Short Pump Whole Foods Market were reportedly robbed of good cheer on Thursday after an inebriated man in his birthday suit absconded with the store’s last case of Hardywood Gingerbread Stout.
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“He kept yelling, ‘You can’t catch me!’ over and over again,” eye-witness Tracy Nguyen said of the incident. “I don’t think anyone was trying to catch him, though. Dude looked like a mangled Christmas tree ornament and nobody wanted to get anywhere near that.”
Whole Foods store manager George Sanders confirmed that the nude culprit was in fact the same man who made off with an entire pallet of Bourbon Barrel Cru last year. “Yeah, that was him. Our security camera footage showed that he initially tried to take an actual display barrel, but when he realized he couldn’t carry the whole thing he just went for the pallet instead.”
Police were later able to locate the “Gingerbread Man,” whose real name is Marshal McCulley, after a string of Instagram posts showing McCulley downing beers in an Olive Garden parking lot went viral.
“No, please, not my gumdrop buttons,” McCulley protested while being carted off by Henrico police officers, apparently referring to his purple-hued genitals. “You can’t do this to me. Somebody get my lawyer Muff N. Man on the phone. Do you know him? He lives on Drury Lane!”