BRISTOL, Va. — Bristol resident Paul Clark was arrested yesterday after attempting to cross State Street with a case of beer, officials confirmed this morning. Clark had just bought a six-pack of Miller Lite on the Tennessee side of Bristol and was attempting to return to his car, which was parked on the Virginia side.
- Virginia Tech Now Requiring Class on Talking Shit About UVA Football
- Trump Mistakes Buena Vista for Mexican Town, Tries to Impose Sanctions, Sends ICE Agents
- Virginia Tourism Corporation Announces Meth Tasting Trail in Wise County
As soon as he crossed State Street, he was thrown to the pavement by two state troopers who shouted, “Come on ya filthy bootlegger, you’re going downtown.”
“I thought that it would be cheaper to get beer on the Tennessee side. I’m not a bootlegger,” Clark said with tears in his eyes as he recalled the incident. “I’m just frugal with my money.”
Clark’s attorney, Frank Bondurant, cited American history as a precedent for his client’s defense. “The United States was founded on drunken shenanigans and throwing stuff from boats over minor taxes, and you’re telling me my client can’t save a few nickels on some cheap swill? That’s just un-American.”
“Virginia is quickly becoming the prudish tattletail trying to get her younger and hotter sister in trouble for having more fun and sneaking a few cold ones behind their parents’ back,” Bondurant continued. “There’s a reason no one travels to Richmond for bachelorette parties while Nashville is swarming with hungover woo girls wearing penis necklaces.”
Bondurant mounted an incredible defense for his client that resulted in all charges being dropped. During Clark’s arraignment Bondurant walked up to the judge, shrugged, and nonchalantly said, “Come on.” The judge immediately dismissed the case and grabbed a drink with the defense team afterwards.
Clark is now suing the Commonwealth for the cost of the six-pack, plus $200,000 to cover his medical expenses after having beer bottle shards removed from his abdomen.
Fancy The Peedmont? Then check out our online store.