Plastered Terry McAuliffe Asked for Third Time to Not Crawl on Skee-Ball Ramp at Circuit

RICHMOND, Va. — Unrepentant in his desire to achieve a high score, a heavily intoxicated Terry McAuliffe had to be asked repeatedly not to crawl on the skee-ball ramp at The Circuit Arcade Bar yesterday.

Witnesses said the former governor had consumed a number of craft beers and as a result encountered difficulty with properly aiming skee-balls.

RELATED (article continued below):

• “Who’s Running in This Bitch Again?” Asks Shitfaced Terry McAuliffe in Voting Line on Election Day
• Local Man Suggests Circuit for First, Second, and Third Date
• Sims-Themed Bar Shuts Down After Customers Stay for Seven Hours and Only Buy One Beer

His intoxicated state caused him to consistently miss the machine’s 100-point holes, and in an effort to score more points, McAuliffe made several attempts to climb the machine’s ramp to deposit the balls directly. Employees stated they warned McAuliffe to stop before finally asking him to finish his beer and leave after the third attempt.

“Terry is a regular, so we try to cut him some slack,” said Jeremy Renolls, the manager on duty during the incident. “This time he got drunker than usual and started screaming expletives and gesturing angrily when there were a lot of kids around.”

“We asked the former governor multiple times not to climb up the ramp, but he kept trying to dunk upper corner shots, so we had to get our security involved,” Renolls added.

Witnesses reported that the former governor was further enraged when he learned that arcade machines at The Circuit do not dispense tickets and that winning a sticky hand or Groot stuffed animal was not possible.

“What kind of bullshit Chuck E. Cheese is this?” McAuliffe was reported to have yelled.

McAuliffe then climbed on top of the basketball machine and made threatening gestures with a broken beer glass until police arrived. After a brief standoff reminiscent of a six-year-old who does not want to wear shoes, an officer coaxed McAuliffe down with a Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.

Eyewitnesses later confirmed that the former governor apologized, hugged everyone, and agreed to leave The Circuit peacefully in exchange for a free trip to Kings Dominion’s Halloween Haunt later this month.