WASHINGTON — U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today that it will deport the official White House Christmas tree for entering the United States illegally from Canada, on the direct orders of President Trump.
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According to the deportation order, tree farmer Joe Warner snuck it across the Canadian border in the middle of the night after the tree he originally planned to present was destroyed by beavers.
According to official reports, the tree had been placed at the White House and fully decorated before Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney received a tip from a whistleblower indicating the tree was from Alberta, Canada. Mulvaney alerted the President, who then sent 18 tweets about it over the next several hours before issuing a directive to have the tree removed from the White House.
“All I wanted was the biggest and most beautiful Christmas Tree,” Trump said in one of his tweets, hinting at a potential holiday rivalry with one of our largest trading partners. “Something that would make the two-faced jerk, Justin Trudeau, jealous.”
“We will find a new tree from Idaho, or wherever you find the best trees like this, that will bring in the Christmas spirit!” the tweet continued.
Additional sources inside the White House say that President Trump was at first delighted with the tree. However, once informed that it was Canadian, he reportedly went ballistic and called the tree a “Bad Hombre” repeatedly, even though staffers told him over and over again that Spanish is not an official language of Canada.
President Trump is expected to sign an executive order authorizing the tree’s deportation, and Warner’s arrest for aiding and abetting an illegal alien. When asked why he didn’t just buy an American Christmas tree, Warner responded, “It was cheaper to buy one from Canada. As a businessman, surely President Trump can understand that.”