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Tysons Corner Parking Garage Standoff Hits Hour 92

TYSONS CORNER, Va. — In the madness of the Christmas shopping rush, a standoff between drivers for a parking space in Tysons Corner Parking Garage C has hit its 92nd hour, officials confirmed Saturday.

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The final space was spotted by two drivers desperate enough to actually shop at Tysons Corner during the holidays, Greg Schmidt and Samantha Reynolds. Schmidt and Reynolds both pulled up to the spot at the same time and, according to witnesses, put their blinkers on at the same time as well.

The space, located on the third floor of the garage, was the only vacant one remaining, with no signs of others opening. Further investigation revealed that the lack of vacancy even included the top level, which is normally occupied by high school students smoking pot.

Despite having approached the space 92 hours ago, neither driver showed signs of surrendering the space. “I will literally die in this car,” Schmidt stated. “I need this parking space so I can shop and purchase something that definitely could not be easily be purchased online.”

Reynolds echoed Schmidt’s statement. “I’ve been working in an office job my whole adult life, in preparation for sitting in one place for days on end with little to no payoff. I’m not backing down.”

At the time of reporting, some witnesses noted that despite both Schmidt and Reynolds inching closer and closer to the vacant space, it was finally claimed by a rogue shopper named Karen who stealthily maneuvered her 2011 Fiat 500 into the space before either of the combatants could claim it.


6 Comments on Tysons Corner Parking Garage Standoff Hits Hour 92

  1. They both should get a ticket. Where are the cops?


  2. It’s a satire piece…


  3. I thought it was an Anderson Tilley piece?


  4. Sicking how people will spend so much time over a spot instead of using that time to help others,
    #First world problems , Merry Christmas


  5. Sickening *


  6. Meet me on the top level dooood!


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