Cary Street Cafe to Be Demolished, Then Rolled up and Smoked

RICHMOND, Va. — In a move that is as controversial as it is eco-friendly, the decision to roll up and smoke Cary Street Cafe once it’s been demolished can be summed up in one word: green. 

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According to a statement from the restaurant and venue’s former manager, the space that has played host to hundreds of concerts featuring local Richmond musicians will be rolled into a massive joint following its destruction.

“Hey, man, like what do you expect,” said a longtime regular known only as Paco. “It was a great joint, and now, well, it’s going to be a great joint!”

The decision to smoke Cary Street Cafe was not made lightly. A joint task force comprised of city officials and Cary Street Cafe regulars held meetings for weeks to discuss its fate, with some meetings going on for hours. 

“Not to be blunt, but the first few meetings were not that much fun,” city official Bud Ezrin said. “But then a few, let’s call them ‘ideas,’ got passed around. After that, the meetings were a real hoot. We all got along much easier. There’d be laughter, music, and a few other things that I can’t seem to recall, but I was told it was fun. In fact, I hope once all this is over, we can still meet up every other day or so.“

“There was also a lot of Chanello’s pizza,” Ezrin added. “Like, a shit ton. I think the staff had the ingredients in the kitchen to make some pizza, but we opted to order a bunch anyway.”

Though details are still hazy, the current plan calls for demolition to occur sometime in early March, with a ceremonial drum circle to occur simultaneously. Afterwards, remains will be gathered and rolled up into what one city official is calling “The Fan Fatty.”

“It’s gonna be a gas, man,” Paco explained excitedly. “Like, all über doobage and what not. Do you have any idea what all is going into this thing? Killer!” 

Though the particulars have not all been finalized, one thing is certain: the date of commencement will be April 20, 2020. Once sparked, the joint will be passed along a long line that is being referred to as “Puff Puff Powhite.”

“I think we’re trying to get a band to play this thing too,” Paco continued. “It’d be so dope if we got Umphrey’s McGee or even Panic to play a nine-hour set while we all ceremoniously get lit with the remains of one of our favorite places.”

While no word has officially come from his office, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney sent out a tweet saying, “Just because my last name is Stoney doesn’t mean I smoke weed all day! #420 #CaryStCannabis”

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