Liberty University Announces Plans to be Carbon Ultra-Positive by Mid-2020

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Liberty University’s president Jerry Falwell, Jr., yesterday announced a new initiative called “Carbo Diem” that would make Liberty a certified Carbon Ultra-Positive Facility by June 2020.

The certification—provided in a joint venture by Dominion Energy, Peabody Energy, Arch Coal, and Koch Industries—acknowledges institutions that demonstrate “a commitment to the vitality of American industry, and a healthy respect for carbon, the most essential of elements.”

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Speaking to a capacity crowd of more than 8,000 students and faculty at the Vines Convocation Center, President Falwell promised “a brighter, warmer future for you and your children.”

“As Christians, we each have a duty to God to be good stewards of the earth,” Falwell explained. “What better way to fulfill that duty than by swaddling our planet in a warm, nurturing blanket of carbon dioxide?”

In his speech, Falwell provided details about Carbo Diem’s implementation, which will include a phased rollout of new university policies such as burning all garbage, replacing campus buses with a fleet of Liberty branded 1992 diesel Ford F-350 Super Duty pickups, and powering all facilities with portable gas generators.

A Q&A period with the audience followed the 93 minute address, with most opting to share words of praise for the new initiative. Several students, however, raised questions about the culpability of such a program.

Claire Roberts, a math major from Goochland County, asked Falwell, “How can you propose an idea like this barely a year after the Lynchburg flood of 2018, which—when taken into account with the overwhelming frequency of other events happening around the world—amounts to a clear indicator of the hazards of global warming?”

“You’re expelled,” replied Falwell, eliciting raucous applause. “Furthermore, as many of our esteemed Religious Science professors and students already know, that ‘flood’ was God’s punishment for a student who was caught masturbating in his dorm room that year.”

Carbo Diem is projected to add nearly 25 million metric tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere by 2021, fully offsetting all carbon-neutrality pledges across the commonwealth for the next ten years. When pressed further by reporters about these numbers, Falwell was adamant about the biblical merits of Carbo Diem.

“I would direct anyone who has a problem with this to read their Bible, which clearly instructs us in Corellians 6:13: ‘Goeth forth and…warm yourselves by the fires of the trees, and the rocks…and the polystyrene packing…and the old tractor tires… for I am the Lord and hath rendered these gifts unto thee, my children.’”

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