ACCOMACK, Va. — Following a surprise statement earlier this week confirming that the United States would soon have a new branch of the military called the “Space Force,” President Donald Trump made headlines once again by revealing that the inaugural unit of the First Space Cavalry would be made up entirely of Chincoteague ponies.
As with many major decisions, the announcement was made via Twitter at 3:45 a.m., following a string of unhinged tweets: “The Democrats and the FAKE NEWS MEDIA said it couldn’t be done, but we will soon have the first SPACE CAVALRY in HISTORY! #AmericaFirst #MAGA #MakeTheMoonGreatAgain.”
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Trump was inspired to form the first space cavalry after accidentally stumbling across a John Wayne marathon while trying to find his collection of “Fox & Friends” reruns.
At first, President Trump was unclear which variety of equine he preferred to strap to a rocket and launch into space, but Brian Wheeler, spokesman for the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy, later clarified that the Chincoteague ponies, native to the Assateague Island on the Eastern Shore of Virginia, were the clear choice.
“Residing just north of NASA’s Wallops Flight Facility, the Chincoteague ponies are clearly the most geographically convenient pick,” Wheeler explained. “Furthermore, the president has decided to open a casino resort on the ponies’ current grazing lands, so they have to go.”
In addition to the clarification regarding the president’s tweet, several reporters obtained a copy of a memo drafted by the Department of Defense listing a number of logistical issues to overcome in order to comply with the president’s directive. These include questions regarding how to address pony flight training, operating sensitive equipment with hooves, recycling massive quantities of horse shit, and, of course, preventing the ponies from exploding in the vacuum of space.
The president’s call for the first space cavalry has come under fire from Virginia’s congressional delegation.
“The idea is completely ridiculous,” Sen. Tim Kaine, D-Va., remarked at a recent campaign event in Norfolk. “The ponies are an important part of Virginia’s natural splendor and should remain on Chincoteague. They’re kind of the only thing that town has going for it.”