New Redskins Head Coach Pushes for Further Changes to Staff, Team Name, City, Sport

LANDOVER, Md. — Speaking to the press at FedEx Field following a meeting with team executives, newly hired Washington Redskins head coach Ron Rivera announced that he is pursuing “all avenues” to improve the team following a disastrous 3-13 season in 2019. These include recommending a new team staff, new team name, new home city, and even a new sport altogether.

“Nothing is off the table,” Rivera declared. “From special teams to the offensive line, I’m looking for the best people, the right people, to help us win. I just hope they’re not too attached to the mascot, the city of Washington, or even the sport itself.”

Despite being one of the longest-standing and best-attended franchises in the NFL, the Redskins have endured protracted periods of irrelevance throughout their history, having not held a conference title since 1991. Rivera believes such a track record speaks to a pattern of repeated errors, and a resistance to embracing new modes of thinking.

“It’s pretty obvious that the methods of the past aren’t working, and we need to make some serious changes if we want to finally bring home another championship,” the two-time AP NFL Coach of the Year continued. “If that means changing the home we bring it to, and the sport we play to do it, then so be it.”

Added Rivera: “Screw it, I’ll switch us to croquet if it gets us a ring.”

Rivera earned his nickname, “Riverboat Ron,” in 2013 during his tenure with the Carolina Panthers, when a series of fourth-down decisions led many to view Rivera as a gambler—a reputation he’s happy to leverage with his new team. 

“I’m a big risk/big reward kinda guy, and I see a huge payoff in overhauling the entire organization,” Rivera said. “Top to bottom, from food and beverage management to the conditioning coaches, to the fans themselves. Whatever it takes to break the unending cycle of failure and historical ignorance that has become synonymous with the ‘Redskins’ name.”