RICHMOND, Va. — Fans of the University of Richmond were relieved to hear that Henry Keith, noted alumnus and even more noted functional alcoholic, was not actually having a massive stroke when he was heard yelling “Roll Spides” at a recent Richmond Spiders basketball game.
Paramedics were called to the scene to determine whether Keith was exhibiting the common signs of a stroke, including facial drooping, inability to raise one’s arms, and slurred speech.
“When we arrived at the scene, onlookers described a man behaving erratically, slurring his speech, and speaking nonsense. He was shouting the phrase ‘Roll Spides,’ which no one in the section understood, so naturally everyone was concerned for his health,” local paramedic Sean Moore explained.
“Once we conducted a brief examination of the patient, we established that he was not only incredibly intoxicated, but that apparently ‘Roll Spides’ is a colloquial cheer for the Spiders, derived from the phrase ‘Roll Tide’ for Alabama fans. Unfortunately, we had to break the news to Keith that he was a fan of a far inferior athletics program. He took it pretty hard.”
A witness, Hannah Lawrence, was the first to alert authorities that Keith could potentially be suffering from a massive internal bleed in his brain. “I heard someone yell ‘Roll Spides’ and I thought I heard ‘Roll Tide’ which also wouldn’t have made sense, but I ignored it. The yelling became louder, more slurred, and I kept wondering what a ‘spide’ was. When someone told me this is something people actually cheer, I felt like renouncing my Richmond degree right then and there, but then I wouldn’t be able to work at Capital One, so I decided against it.”
Keith was prescribed a healthy dose of Pedialyte and a remedial speech class to correct what could either be an undiagnosed speech impediment or a massive aneurysm. He is now resting comfortably watching highlights of Kyle Lauletta prior to Lauletta’s arrest for nearly running over a police officer, and wishing he went to a school with a superior athletics program.