RICHMOND, Va. — A local man got the surprise of his life Thursday evening after discovering one of Richmond’s few remaining untapped beard oil deposits under the floor of his Fan apartment.
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Bryan Paulson, a card-carrying member of the RVA Beard League, was asleep in his bed after a busy afternoon of tuning his fixed-gear bicycle when he was awoken by the sound of creaking floorboards as thick, sweet-smelling liquid began gushing into his bedroom.
“At first, I thought my toilet overflowed again,” Paulson recalled. “My dad keeps telling me to stop using organic coffee filters as toilet paper, but I know it’s just because he loves Starbucks. What a fascist. Anyway, once I smelled those unmistakable scents of lavender and tea tree, I figured this probably wasn’t something that came out of my butt.”
Paulson was proven correct after a team of geologists from Virginia Commonwealth University surveyed the property and found that the substance was in fact beard oil, a highly lucrative product used by bearded men and some women to moisturize dry skin and tame unruly facial hair.
“I’d say this property is sitting on between 100,000-150,000 barrels of crude beard oil, or ‘hipster honey’ as we call it in the business,” Dr. Herman Schultz told The Peedmont. “This guy is going to be one wealthy son of a bitch.”
When asked what he plans to do with his newfound fortune, Paulson told reporters he only had one thing in mind.
“I’m finally going to live my dream of turning my boring street bike into a double-decker bike. That’s how you really know you’ve made it. Plus, now I’ll be able to quite literally look down on everyone else, much like I do anyway.”
At press time, Paulson’s new bike had already been stolen off his porch and was reportedly being ridden by a drunk, baby-faced frat boy.
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